


The Voice That Beckons

by Jay_Is_A_Rat



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Big Gay Love Story, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gay, M/M, Married James T. Kirk/Spock, Retirement, Sleepy Cuddles, Spock Loves James T. Kirk, Vulcan, Vulcan Bond, Vulcan Kisses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:00:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25251253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jay_Is_A_Rat/pseuds/Jay_Is_A_Rat
Summary: Captain Jim Kirk and his First Officer Spock have retired from Starfleet, prompting Doctor Bones McCoy to follow in their footsteps and join them on Earth. He's had a long career and he damn well deserves the retirement. Unbeknownst to Jim and Spock, Bones actually retired to keep an eye on them and make sure they stay out of trouble. He'd never admit it, but he cares about them, and so he moved in next door. The domestic life was not what Spock had envisioned happening after his travels in space, and certainly not on Earth, but the longer he stays, the more fond he becomes of the planet. While living on Earth, Spock is forced to confront his feelings, as he had previously refused to do. This confrontation brings to the surface feelings he had long buried: his love for Jim Kirk.**IMPORTANT: This story takes place in The Original Series time line, and deviates from the actual canon happenings (if you want to read it as AOS, be my guest, but it won't make as much sense). Events from the series will be mentioned, but no specific time is alluded to, though this does take place before the movies, and as if the events of such movies never will occur in this universe.**
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Spock, James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This work was written by me, and transferred over from Wattpad, under the same name as this account.

_Captain's Log. Stardate: 13175.5.  
After much consideration, I have decided to resign from both my position as Captain of the Starship Enterprise, and as a member of Starfleet as a whole. It has come to my attention that I have been missing the experience of living on Earth. In other words: I am homesick. I am about to break the news to my crew, and I only hope that they understand._  
Captain James T. Kirk stands, walking from his chair to the comm-link panel. "Doctor McCoy and Mr. Scott, report to the bridge." Everyone in the control room turns to face their Captain, now keenly aware that something important is about to happen. Bones and Scotty arrive seconds later, both taking seats in front of Kirk. The Captain clears his throat. "I have something important I would like to discuss with you all."  
"Jim," Bones speaks up, "is this about your relationship with Mister-"  
"No, Doctor, it's not that. And I assure you, there is no relationship. I actually called you here to inform you that I am... I am resigning my position as your Captain. I will be returning to planet Earth in three days' time."  
A heavy silence falls over the room. Eventually, Lieutenant Uhura speaks. "Captain... who will lead the crew?"  
Kirk lifts his head, locking eyes with the tallest member of his crew. "Mister Spock. You are my First Officer, and closest confidant. I would like you to lead the crew of the _Enterprise_ , and entrust you with their safety. I fully believe that you are capable of such a task, and ask that you will become the _Enterprise_ 's next Captain." He flashes what he hopes is a convincing smile. He will dearly miss his crew, especially his first officer.  
"With all due respect, sir," Spock stands from his chair, crossing the room to stand directly in front of his commanding officer. "No."  
"I... No?" Kirk stares at the Vulcan, dumbfounded. "I don't understand. Spock, why wouldn't you want to Captain our crew?"  
"Captain, I understand this may come as a shock to you, but I think of you as my closest friend. It is my purpose as your First Officer to serve under you and protect you. And frankly, Jim, if I cannot serve with you, then I do not wish to serve at all." A moment passes, and a slight green tint begins to color Spock's face, visible only to Jim. "And..." He places both palms onto Jim's shoulders, as if to emphasize his point. "I would like to join you on Earth."  
"Why Spock, I... I'm at a loss for words." Jim's face cracks into a smile. "I would be honored."  
Spock shows him the barest hint of a smile. "Excellent." He raises an eyebrow, now seemingly stoic. "Shall I aid you in packing your belongings?"  
"Actually, Spock, I-"  
"Oh for God's sake! Dammit, you two! I'm coming with you!" Doctor McCoy jumps out of his seat, startling Checkov, who had been sitting beside him. "It's about damn time I retired, anyway."  
"Oh, Bones, you don't have to do that."  
"Quiet, Jim, I deserve a retirement!" Bones claps Jim on the shoulder, giving Spock a dissatisfied look. "And you, ya green-blooded hobgoblin, you better treat this man right, or I'll hunt ya down an-"  
"Ah, that's quite enough, Bones, thank you." Kirk laughs a bit nervously, ears beginning to burn red. "Well, since the Enterprise has three members retiring, I suppose it should be docked on Earth until three more members are recruited as part of this beautiful crew." He gives a bright smile. "We can discuss this in more detail at a later time. Mr. Scott?"  
"Aye, lad?" Scotty stands, ready to accept orders.  
Jim smiles. "Can I trust you to keep an eye on everything while I prepare for departure?"  
"Of course ya can, I bloody owe it to ya!"  
"Perfect," he grins, "I'll be in my quarters if anyone needs me." And with that, he walks out of the bridge and down the corridor.  
*******  
The next two days drag by, the atmosphere growing tense aboard the _Enterprise_. Not a word has been said about their Captain's announcement, nor about the added announcements by their Commander and their Doctor. On the third day, the day of the _Enterprise_ 's last precious moments with its beloved Captain and the entirety of his crew, Captain Kirk addresses his friends.  
"It has been a spectacular five years spent with this wonderful crew. I am honored to have had the opportunity to Captain this starship, and to make the acquaintance of each and every one of you. I have the utmost respect for each of you, and I know in my heart that you will all go on to accomplish great things. Though I may not be able to see them happen in person, know that I am with you in spirit. I am so very proud of you. I have not yet fully accepted that I may never set foot on this vessel again, but I am sure that I will be seeing you," he pauses to look at his crew and really take in all of their features. "...in the future." A moment of silence passes as the crew absorbs his words. "Mister Spock... do you have anything you would like to say?"  
Spock steps up next to his Captain. Nodding in his direction, he begins his own farewell speech. "I know that many of you have not gotten the opportunity to truly know me. However, I have seen each of you grow as individuals over the course of these five years, and I am confident that you have the ability to achieve anything you truly set your minds to. Moving forward, I expect each of you to work just as hard as you have worked under our Captain's command, if not even harder. Furthermore, I will be speaking with each of you individually to properly say my farewell. I wish you all to know that I... I truly will miss you. All of you."  
It is at this moment that Jim Kirk realizes that his friendship with his first officer has impacted them both greatly. Lifting his hand, he places it on Spock's shoulder. "Thank you, Commander Spock."  
"Oh, Captain!" Chekov wails, throwing his arms around Kirk. "What will we do without you?!"  
Smiling, Jim pats the younger crew member on the back in an attempt to comfort him. "Ah, Mr. Chekov, you don't need me! All you need to accomplish your dreams is yourself."  
These words are the ones that make Spock realize why he values his friendship with Jim Kirk over his own life: Jim Kirk is honest and genuine, and above all else, he is unfailingly kind. Jim's kindness is what pushed Spock to defy his natural urge to be void of any emotion and to truly accept who he is as a person, not who he is according to his planet's expectations. And this, he believes, is why Jim Kirk is the most important person in his life.


	2. New Beginnings

The Starship _Enterprise_ is docked on Earth at the Starfleet Command Center. This is the last time it will see its Captain.  
Captain Kirk stands alone, watching as his crew members reunite with their families, laughing, crying, feeling. He smiles, trying to recall a time when he could have experienced that. When the realization hits him that he never could, he settles for observing from afar, smile fading from his lips. Some of his crew has family that has flown in from different cites, or even different countries. Chekov, for example, is embracing his parents, who have flown in from Russia. Jim reflects on what it might be like to be held like that.  
"I miss them, as well," Spock says, startling Kirk. "My parents. I do not regret leaving Vulcan, but I do miss them." He looks over at Jim, who has a rather distant look in his eyes. "Jim?" Spock watches him, cautiously placing a hand on his arm.  
"Ah. Yes. Sorry, Spock, I just... I don't remember much about my parents." Jim glances back at his crew and then turns towards Sock. "I suppose I should report to the Admiral."  
"And I as well. Shall I accompany you?" Spock offers his hand, a seemingly small gesture, but to a Vulcan, a touch-sensitive telepath, it holds more meaning than can be described with words. Vulcans are very particular about their hands, and usually only allow their bond mates -- or spouses, for lack of a better word -- to touch them. For Spock, this is a gesture of undying loyalty and devotion. Jim is well aware of this.  
"Spock, are you... Are you sure?" Jim asks tentatively, shifting his gaze from Spock's offered hand to his face, searching for any sign of hesitation. There was none.  
Nodding, Spock allows himself to smile when he says, "I am sure of it." He watches as Jim considers, and he can practically see the gears turning in his head. When Jim finally takes his hand, Spock intertwines their fingers, holding their clasped hands between them. " _T'hy'la_."  
Visibly confused, Jim muses, " _T'hy'la_... Whatever does that mean, Spock?"  
Spock smiles. "Friend, and brother," he says, though he doesn't tell his _T'hy'la_ the third meaning to the Vulcan word, the one he truly means: _lover_.  
Jim smiles warmly, seemingly thinking it over. " _T'hy'la_... I like it," he hums. The two men proceed to walk hand-in-hand to report to the Admiral.  
*****  
"So," Jim says slowly, sitting on a park bench next to Bones. "We're retired."  
"You're damn right we are!" Bones pauses to stretch. "I'll arrange something for tonight, and I'll drive you to finalize that house thing tomorrow. How's that sound to you, kid?"  
"It sounds good to me, Bones. Thank you."  
"Don't get all mushy on me, I'm only going so I can check out the house next door."  
Jim grins. "Sure, Bones. And why is it that you want to move into the only house within several miles of mine, hm? Feeling sentimental?" He laughs, patting McCoy on the shoulder. "Joking, of course."  
The two stand as Spock approaches them. "I presume you are ready to leave the Starfleet base?" He inquires, handing a set of car keys to Bones.  
"Now, Spock," starts Jim, "why is it that you gave those to Bones?"  
Before Spock can reply, Bones snaps, "Because he knows you can't drive, you fool! Just go get in the car, Jim!" Begrudgingly, Jim listens to the doctor and climbs into the back seat of the car. "And Spock," Bones adds, "make sure he sleeps tonight. You know how he is." Spock nods before he opens the car door, sliding in next to Jim.  
The drive out into one of the few still-forested areas is a long one. To pass the time, McCoy puts on the radio and makes Kirk guess what century the songs are from, while Spock occupies himself with watching their surroundings pass by. The large metropolitan areas give way to smaller and smaller ones, until eventually they start passing through small towns that are still reminiscent of the early twenty-first century. _It's a wonder_ , he thinks to himself, _that these places are still thriving in this age_.  
As the towns grow farther and farther apart, the land begins to look more and more alive. The trees appear to get taller, and wildlife starts to emerge. As Spock observes in silence the quiet beauty of planet Earth, he wonders why more of an effort wasn't made to preserve more of this. He watches in quiet fascination, attempting to memorize every creature he sees. He hardly notices when Jim's fingers brush against his in a silent "are you alright?" Eventually, he turns away from the window to face him. "Jim," he remarks, "the Earth is much more beautiful than I had realized. On Vulcan, there is not much flora, as the sun's immense heat does not allow for many species to survive. But on Earth..." He trails off, attention shifting back to the nature outside. "On Earth, there is so much beauty that it is overwhelming." Jim agrees silently, but he is not thinking about the trees.  
Houses start to appear between the trees, at first just a few, but soon there are homes everywhere. Jim smiles softly, watching children play with their parents. He signs, leaning his head back against the seat, letting the smile slip from his features.  
"Is something bothering you, _T'hy'la_?"  
Turning his head, Jim meets the gaze of his closest friend. "No, Spock. Nothing is bothering me, at least not specifically. Sometimes, I just feel... Sad. But there's no reason behind it. Just emotion."  
"I see. I, too, feel upset sometimes. Though it is not pleasant, it is an experience that comes with being human, even if only partially. I have learned to accept it, at least as much as I can." He contemplates for a moment, then fits his hand into Jim's. "We do not have to experience it alone." The two share a knowing look, getting lost in each other's eyes. Before long, thoughts and emotions start to transfer between them, but are quickly interrupted.  
"If you two kiss in my car, I am going to vomit."  
"Bones! We're having a moment!" Jim exclaims, clearly flustered. He doesn't, however, let go of Spock. This is how they remain for the rest of the drive, sitting in silence.  
Before long, they reach a small house on the corner of the dirt road. Bones pulls into the driveway, shifting the gears into park. He turns around in his seat to find that Jim has drifted off, and Spock is already busying himself with removing Jim from the car. Bones shakes his head, stepping out from behind the wheel and closing the door. He watches as Spock gently lifts Jim, holding him securely to his chest. He does his best to hide his smile. "We can leave the bags in the car for tonight, Spock. Let's get Jim inside." Spock nods in response, following McCoy up to the front porch. Bones knocks on the door.  
After a few minutes, the door opens to reveal a short, elderly woman. She smiles at them, gesturing for them to step inside. "Oh, please do come in! I've been expecting you, dears." Her voice is soft but strong, and her green eyes twinkle as if she knows all of the secrets of the universe. Upon seeing Jim in Spock's arms, she hums softly, making a small motion for Spock to follow her. She leads him to a small guest bedroom, with a gentle amber glow emanating from an old lamp in the corner. "If you would just lay him down for the night, I'll go start some tea, dear," she hums as she shuffles off to the kitchen.  
Spock moves over to the bed, shifting Jim's weight so that he can hold him with one arm while he uses the other to pull back the covers. Shifting again, he leans down and carefully lays Jim on the mattress, sliding his arms out from underneath him. Spock moves the covers up over Jim so that they are tucked around him to keep him from rolling too far. He watches him fondly for a moment or two, kneeling beside the bed. Without really thinking about it, he moves his hand to push Jim's hair away from his face. He catches himself off guard, standing up and shaking his head. Attempting to hide his flushed face, he walks to the dining room, where Bones and the kind woman are waiting for him.  
"Oh, hello dear! Please, sit. Now, I don't believe we've been formally introduced. My name is Marianne," the kind woman smiles. "I'm already familiar with Leonard here, and Jim, too, but I can't seem to remember seeing you around. What's your name, dearie?"  
Spock tilts his head slightly before reciting his given name. " _S'chn T'gai Spock_."  
"Ah, a Vulcan! I thought I recognized those pointy ears. Forgive me for not connecting it before, dear, my eyesight isn't what it used to be." Marianne smiles, offering him a cup of tea.  
"That is quite alright. Thank you." He says, gratefully accepting the drink.  
"So," Marianne sips her tea, smiling sweetly, "how long have you and Jimmy been together?"  
Spock nearly chokes, moving his hand to cover his mouth. His face flushes a dark green. "Oh, I- well, Jim and I- we aren't- ah, that is to say, we..."  
Marianne raises her eyebrows. "Oh, dear me, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to assume, it's just been a while since I've seen these boys and the way you were holding Jim, I... Forgive me, dear, for the assumption, I had assumed that you were the handsome man Jimmy has been telling me about."  
Spock raises an eyebrow, clearly confused, and sets his drink down. "Pardon?"  
"Oh, he hasn't told you? Why, Jimmy's-"  
Bones clears his throat loudly. "Marianne."  
She looks between the two of them. "Oh. Oh, I see. I'm afraid I wasn't supposed to say that, silly me." Marianne's smile returns, and she putters off into the kitchen.  
Spock stares down at his hands, trying to process what he had heard. Brow knit together, he roots through his memory, trying to think of any time Jim had mentioned a man with whom he was involved. He can think of no such instance and frowns. He begins to rule out possibilities.  
_I can logically presume that it is not McCoy, Mr. Scott, or Mr. Sulu. He would have told me. It is also illogical to think that it would be Checkov, as he is much too young and Jim is a sensible man. A logical explanation would be that she may have misheard or fabricated a tale. However, it would be very easy to tell if she were to speak untruths, and it is unlikely that she misheard, as her hearing seems to be functional and Jim is quite loud when he is excited. That would leave the only plausible answer being..._  
"Spock!" Bones waved a hand in front of his face.  
"Ah. My apologies, doctor."  
"You were really lost in thought, there, huh?" There's a hint of concern in his voice, but Spock dismisses it.  
"Indeed I was. Do you know of this?"  
"By 'this' I assume you mean Jim's love life, so yes. But I'm not supposed to tell you, so... Keep it on the down-low," Bones murmurs, propping his chin on his hand. "Yeah, Jim thinks he's found 'the one' but he won't tell the damn guy, and he won't listen to my advice. I swear, he's like a toddler. In one ear, out the next." He huffs indignantly, drumming his fingers on the table. "I'm hopin' maybe you can talk some sense into him, get him to admit his feelings. I doubt it, but if anyone can, it's you. He trusts you, Spock." Bones sits up, giving Spock a deadly glare. "Don't break that trust."  
Over the next few hours, Spock sits in the hallway, contemplating what to do. He comes to the conclusion that he has two options: recognize what he's feeling and act on it, or shove the feelings aside and ignore them, as per his Vulcan nature. He, of course, chooses the latter.  
Pushing himself to his feet, Spock takes a moment to consider his other choice. He decides it is best left alone. The hallway is long and dimly lit, and reminds Spock of the tunnels on Vulcan in which he used to hide from the other Vulcan children, who would insult his human heritage and often try to physically harm him. He forced the memory down, deciding instead to occupy his thoughts with something more pleasant. Just as he starts to think of something else, Marianne approaches him from a small room off to the side.  
"Oh, Spock, dear, I forgot to tell you that there are only two guest rooms, so you will have to share with one of your friends. I hope you don't mind," she coos.  
"Not at all," Spock bows his head briefly. "Goodnight," he says and continues down the hall. He stops outside of the room Jim is in and hesitates. He turns the knob and enters quietly, securing the door behind him. Unsurprisingly, Kirk is still asleep, seemingly unbothered by the wind outside and the tree branches tapping on the window. Spock paces the room for what seems like hours, eventually confining himself to a small area so as to reduce any noise he may make.  
A tired voice half-whispers, "Spock?"  
Spock freezes, thoughts racing. He turns to face the source of the voice to see Jim propped up on his elbows.  
"Spock..." he repeats, yawning. "You're still awake?"  
"I wished not to disturb you."  
Jim squeezes his eyes shut, yawning again. "Spock... Come sleep, you'll get yourself worked up otherwise..." He reaches out, gently tugging at Spock's wrist. "C'mere..."  
Spock complies, laying next to Jim. His heart is beating rapidly in his side, and he hopes Jim can't feel it.  
Jim Kirk is a smart man, but he is also a hopeless romantic, and very, very tired. The room he's staying in is very cold, but fortunately for him, he has a Vulcan in bed with him. A Vulcan's body temperature is much higher than that of a human's, so naturally, Jim moves as close as possible to Spock in order to preserve heat. _Funny_ , he thinks, _that he allows me to do this. Aren't Vulcans sensitive to physical contact?_ He hums contentedly, tucking his head under Spock's chin. Yawning once more, he manages to ask, "is this alright with you?"  
"Of course," the Vulcan answers without hesitation, despite the sirens going off in his head every time Jim moves closer. In an attempt to disguise the blush spreading across his face, he presses his face into Kirk's hair, which only ends up making it worse. Silently cursing himself, he wraps his arms around Jim, eliciting a delighted hum from his companion. Jim returns the favor, pulling Spock even closer and slowly drifting off to sleep.  
Listening to Jim's slow, even breathing, Spock's mind wanders to the _Enterprise_. This was the end of an era, and the beginning of a new one.


	3. Bell Peppers

The drive to Jim's new house takes about an hour. After the previous night's happenstances, Jim is very well-rested and Spock is about as quiet as ever. The purr of the engine is enough to keep Spock distracted as he tries not to think about last night. He manages to keep his focus on the gentle rumbling of the car's inner workings.  
Jim, on the other hand, can't keep his attention away from Spock for more than a few seconds. _James Tiberius Kirk, you are a fool_. He tries to focus on the trees, but they make him think about how much Spock admires them. His train of thought shifts wildly out of gear and steers in a direction he does not want it to go. _Damn. Why does he have to be so mesmerizing?_ Jim finds himself staring at Spock, wondering what it would be like to run his fingers through that black hair, thoroughly messing up its neat styling. He entertains this thought for a moment before letting his eyes travel down to Spock's exposed arms. _Oh._ Jim had never realized how muscular his friend is, seeing as his arms have always previously been covered. But now that they aren't...  
Kirk swallows hard, taking a deep breath and forcing himself to look away. _You're going to get caught and he's going to think you're weird. Get it together, Jim!_ He brings a hand to his mouth, the other tapping nervously on his knee. He turns his head slightly to try sneaking another glance, only to find Spock looking in his direction. _Shit._  
"You should really stop biting your nails, Jim. You could hurt yourself." Spock speaks quietly, flashing him a genuine smile that causes Jim's stomach to do flips.  
"Ah- I hadn't noticed," he lies, "thank you." Jim places his hand in his lap, instead chewing his lip while staring forward.  
Spock, sounding exasperated, remarks, "That is, arguably, worse."  
Jim lets his head fall against the seat, turning to shoot Spock an annoyed glare. Spock just smiles and chuckles softly.  
When they arrive at the house, the three men clamber out of the car, and Bones walks to the next nearest house, about a quarter mile down the road. A cheerful young woman with dark red hair greets the two remaining men, introducing herself as Nancy.  
"It's great to finally meet you, Mr. Kirk. And who is this?" She beams up at Spock.  
Jim smiles, looping an arm around his companion. "This is Spock, he was my First Officer aboard the _Enterprise_. He'll be living here as well."  
Nancy excitedly bounces on her toes. "How sweet!" She adjusts the papers on her clipboard, ready to begin. "Alright, Mr. Kirk, if you and your husband will just follow me, there's a few things to discuss before I hand the house over," she grins, walking up to the house, leaving them both rather flustered.  
Jim attempts to correct her, but eventually gives up and just lets her talk. Despite being quite embarrassed, he slips his hand into Spock's, squeezing tightly for reassurance.  
Hours later, as they're moving their belongings inside, McCoy returns to help them. They had almost forgotten about the whole ordeal, and both had agreed not to tell Bones. Unfortunately for them, as Nancy was wishing them well, she referred to them both as "Mr. Kirk." As soon as she leaves, Bones starts cackling.  
"She thinks you're married!? That's the best thing I've heard all week!"  
Jim promptly hides his face in his hands as Spock looks anywhere but at Jim.  
"Alright then, love birds, I'll see ya next week!" Bones then leaves, still laughing.  
"Well," Jim mutters, trying to start a conversation, "what now?"  
"I suppose we should look for furniture."  
"Spock."  
"Yes?"  
"We don't have a car."  
"... Damn."  
Several phone calls later, Bones is back, accompanied by Nyota Uhura. "So," she begins, "you boys are very lucky I had this truck laying around. However, before I give it to you, you owe me something."  
Jim shifts anxiously. "And that is?"  
"A kiss. From both of you," she lilts, tapping either cheek her index finger.  
Spock, clearly agitated, grumbles, "very well," and plants a kiss on Nyota's cheek.  
"Well, Jimothy? You can't just leave a girl waiting!"  
"Fine," he huffs, quickly kissing the other cheek.  
"Thank you, boys," Nyota says with a smug grin. "She's all yours." She tosses the keys to Spock and climbs into Bones' car.  
******  
Laying face-down on their living room floor, Kirk groans, "Are we done yet?"  
"Yes," Spock confirms, joining him on the floor.  
"Great! I'm starving. I'm thinking pizza." He looks over at Spock for approval.  
"Whatever you wish, _T'hy'la_." He replies, then after a moment, adds, "you are beautiful."  
Jim's face flushes red and he mumbles a very quiet "thank you," and an even softer "you are, too." Attempting to change the subject, he starts to ramble, "do you like bell peppers? I like bell peppers. I think we should put bell peppers on it."  
Spock simply smiles. "As you wish."


	4. The Meaning of Life

Spock wakes from sleep early in the morning, as per usual, at approximately six a.m.. He sits alone in silence, going over the events of the past few weeks in his mind during his routine mediation. Doctor McCoy had moved in down the road two weeks ago. Jim bought a record player two days ago. Three weeks ago, two days after moving in, they planted an apple tree, upon Jim's insistence. Five days ago, McCoy adopted a large dog and two cats. Yesterday, Jim finished building a deck in the back and installed lights. Last night, Spock dreamt about Jim Kirk for the twelfth consecutive night. Approximately three hours, eighteen minutes, and forty seconds ago, Spock heard Jim's voice calling to him, and woke from his dreams feeling oddly out of place.  
At six a.m., unusually early for him, Jim Kirk sits up in bed, still shaken from his dream. This had been the twelfth night in a row he had dreamt of Spock. He had been running, utterly lost, desperately trying to find Spock, all the while he could hear Spock's voice calling him from different directions. It shook him to his core just how scared he felt, and still feels, as if at any given moment, Spock might leave him. He throws aside the covers, rushing across the hall to splash cold water onto his face. When Jim looks into the mirror and meets his own eyes, he knows he can't tell Spock, but he does know who he can tell: Doctor Bones McCoy.  
He runs back to his room, picking up his PADD to call Bones. Seeing how early it is, he reconsiders in favor of busying himself with the garden he's been planting outside of his bedroom window. While he's distracted, Spock slips out of the house and begins walking.  
At first, it's aimless, just a way for him to get out of his own head. Spock pushes his hair back from his face, heaving a sigh. He wanders the woods for a while, reaching up to let his finger tips brush against the leaves. He stops briefly to watch the tree branches swaying in the wind. Continuing along the road, he finds his thoughts drifting back to Jim Kirk. He tries in vain to suppress the fluttering of his heart at the thought of Jim's smile.  
After a while, Spock ends up in front of Bones' house. A few minutes of contemplation lead him to the front door. He raises a fist and knocks. Shortly after, McCoy opens the door.  
"Spock? What are you doing here at-" he checks his watch, "seven o'clock in the morning?" Bones takes a moment to look at him. "I like the hair, it's a nice look on you."  
"I apologize for my disheveled appearance," Spock says in reply, quickly fixing his hair. "I require assistance on the... emotional level."  
"Dammit, I'm not a counselor!" Bones huffs a long sigh. "Just come inside already, ya big elf." Bones moves out of the way, ushering Spock inside. He practically slams the door, heading to the kitchen for coffee. "Alright," he says, raising the mug to his lips, "what's this all about?"  
"Well, Doctor," Spock begins, clasping his hands behind his back, "as you know, Vulcans are not supposed to experience emotion, and in fact have a practice of purging all emotion, should one experience it."  
"Right. But, you're only half Vulcanian." Bones raises an eyebrow.  
"Correct. Thus, because of my human heritage, I experience emotion on a daily basis, and choose not to rid myself of such emotions. I find most of them to be pleasant."  
"Right, Spock, so... Where's the issue?"  
"Well," Spock rocks back on his heels once, "I believe I am experiencing certain feelings more frequently, and in the presence of a specific person."  
"And by 'person,' you mean...?"  
"Jim Kirk." Spock states matter-of-factly. "A logical conclusion, of course, after much consideration."  
"So, what you're saying is that you have feelings for Jim. "  
"Correct."  
Bones downs the rest of his coffee. "And you want me to help you?"  
"Yes."  
"A man of many words," Bones grumbles, pouring himself another cup of coffee. "Listen, Spock, I'm not a therapist. And besides that, I know how humans work, I don't know how you work. You're a unique case, Spock." He sighs heavily. "There is one thing I know, though. I know Jim, and I know he cares about you. A lot. You just need to talk to him."  
Spock begins to pace. "Doctor, I cannot do that. I seem to lose my ability to speak when I am around him and cannot seem to think very rationally, either. Logically, I cannot speak to him about the way I feel, as I myself do not even know how to describe it. It is infuriating." Spock stops and turns towards McCoy, running his hands through his hair. "I cannot stop thinking about him, Leonard. It has reached a point at which it is bordering on ridiculous. I hear him speaking to me when I sleep, I see him truly enjoying himself, and I so deeply want to be able to provide that for him. It is maddening!"  
Bones remains quiet, setting his now empty mug on the counter. "Spock," he smiles, "I think you're in love with Jim."  
"Illogical." Spock's face begins to turn green as he continues his pacing. "It is highly improbable that I am in love with-" he stops. The room is silent for several minutes before he speaks again, lowering himself into a chair. "I am in love..."  
McCoy crosses the room to sit beside him. "And that's a good thing, Spock. Jim needs someone to care about him as much as he cares about everyone around him."  
"I don't understand... How is this possible?" Spock is glaring down at his hands, trying to conceive any possible explanations that don't lead to him truly feeling.  
"Spock... You're not fully Vulcan. It's time for you to learn to accept the parts of you that are human. Your mother gave you the gift of humanity. Many humans take that for granted. Don't lose touch with it; let yourself feel. It's what makes you who you are. Do you understand that?" Bones asks gently.  
After a few seconds of silence, Spock replies. "Yes. I understand what you mean. I have been given a certain set of abilities that many others do not possess. I have empathy; I can understand, on a deeper level, what it is that I am feeling. I understand now that this is not a weakness, but a strength. Thank you, Doctor."  
"Any time, Spock." Bones turns to face him. "I want to apologize, officially, for the way I treated you in the past. You're my friend, Spock. I shouldn't have been so harsh to you."  
"Doctor," Spock's expression softens. "You did not have to apologize. I was made well aware long ago that we are friends. If what you mean to express is that you care for my well-being, then I, too, care for yours."  
McCoy laughs, shaking his head. "Mister Spock, you never cease to amaze me," he says, grinning from ear to ear. He stands and stretches, causing his back to pop. "Ah, that felt good," he sighs contentedly, still stretching. "Well, I guess you'd better get back before Jim gets worried. It's only a matter of time before he notices you're gone." He gestures to the door. "And, uh, don't hesitate to come here again if you ever need anything, even if you just want to talk. "  
Spock stands, nodding politely. "Thank you for your hospitality and understanding. I shall see myself out." He heads for the door, pulling it open.  
"Oh, Spock!"  
"Yes, Leonard?"  
Bones smirks, "You should mess up your hair more often. Looks good."  
Spock tries to hide his smile. "Thank you. I will consider it." He shuts the door, beginning his trek back home.  
"Those kids..." Bones laughs to himself. _I've got a strong feeling I'll have a certain someone paying me a visit later._  
Unfortunately for McCoy, he is correct in his statement.  
*****  
"So," Bones draws out the word, "you want me to play psychiatrist." He pinches the bridge of his nose, a feeble attempt at relieving his headache. "Jim," he looks at him with frustration plainly painted on his face. "Why couldn't you have come earlier? It's almost midnight."  
"Well, I was planning to come earlier, but I figured you wouldn't want to be bothered at six a.m., but then I lost track of time, and, well... Here I am." Jim shrugs.  
"Here you are... Come on in, then, let's get this over with." Bones steps aside, allowing him to walk through. "Have a seat," he says, closing the door and sitting across from Kirk. "So, what's been on your mind, kid? What's got ya all worked up?" Bones leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees.  
Jim Kirk is a man of many emotions, with no idea how to express them. He fumbles over his words, trying to find the right way to describe how he feels. "I just- I want to- ... I've never felt like this, Bones! I don't know what to do! Every time I try to talk about it, I feel strange and distant. It's just... When I'm around him, I feel safe and happy, but at the same time, I'm nervous and excited and I can't seem to speak properly. I can't think straight."  
"Alright, slow down. Take a breath." Bones waits a moment, then continues, "Okay, good. Now, first, I need you to tell me who the hell you're talking about."  
"Bones, you already know who it is!" Jim leans forward.  
"Jim." Bones reaches out and rests his hand on Jim's arm. "You have to say it. Not to me; to yourself. You have to say it, out loud, to yourself. Be truthful, Jim. You need to stop trying to talk yourself out of this."  
Kirk leans back into the couch, wishing he could disappear. He forces in a deep breath, pressing his palms against his face. "Bones," Jim utters softly, "I've been having dreams... About him. About losing him. I'm... Bones, I'm terrified that somehow, I'll mess this up for the both of us."  
_That sounds awfully familiar_ , Bones thinks, remembering the visit Spock had paid him earlier in the day. "Who, Jim?" McCoy presses, attempting to get Jim to admit his feelings to himself.  
"Bones, I-" he stops, interrupted by a gentle _'mrow'_ to his left. A slender, long-limbed black cat is sitting next to him, watching with sympathetic eyes. The cat extends its front leg, placing its paw on Jim's thigh. _'Mrr.'_ Jim stares for what feels to him like an eternity, the cat's eyes boring into his own. "Spock," he whispers, lifting the cat into his arms. "It's Spock."  
Nodding, Bones watches the way Jim interacts with the cat. He's cradling it like a small child, scratching behind its ears. "He likes you," Bones smiles when he hears the cat purring. "You know... Some Vulcans can purr like that."  
Jim looks up from the cat. "What?"  
Bones nods, forcing a straight face. "Yep. Spock might."  
Jim stares at him. "Are you telling me," he raises his eyebrows, "that if Spock is relaxed enough, he'll purr?"  
" _Might_ purr," Bones corrected.  
"Interesting." Jim turns his attention back to the cat in his arms. The cat yawns, stretching his paws up towards Jim's face. "Bones, I'm in love..."  
"I know, kid. Why don't you head home an' get some rest, alright? Call me when you wake up."  
"Yeah, of course, Bones." Jim stands and walks to the door.  
"Oh, and Jim?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Don't steal my cat."  
"Oh, right! Sorry," Jim sets the cat down. "Goodnight," he says, slipping out the door. The cat immediately starts whining and yowling.  
Sighing, McCoy lifts the cat up, scratching his head. _I have got to get those two together. An' I think I know just how to do it._


	5. Moonshine

Leonard McCoy is a smart man, who cares deeply for his friends, more than he would care to admit. While he's aware that they're in love, he also knows that they are morons and will not admit their feelings to one another. Hence, he has concocted a plan: a night of heavy drinking and laughing, which is just what Jim and Spock need to admit that they have feelings for each other. At least, that's what he hopes.  
Bones knows that he is not usually an early riser, so when he devised this plan, he knew it would have to happen later in the day. Luckily, he knows just how to make Jim talk: booze after noon. And so his plan developed from there, and he began preparations before bed. When he wakes up at twelve thirty-two the next day, he is not at all surprised to find that he has several missed calls from no other than one Jim Kirk.  
"Damn..." Bones stretches for a long few minutes, staring at the ceiling once he lowers his arms back to his sides. After a few minutes of zoning out in the quietness of his room, Bones decides to risk his sanity and go through with his plan. Four hours later, he's at the door to Jim's house with copious amounts of alcohol and several former crew members, who all happen to still be on shore leave.  
The band of visitors is greeted by the sight of a very confused Spock opening the door with an eyebrow raised. He calls for Jim over his shoulder, "Jim, I was not aware we were expecting company."  
Jim appears at the door a moment later. "We aren't, who's here?" He looks over Spock's shoulder, face cracking into a wide grin. "Bones! You've brought the crew! I'm so glad to see you all! Please, come in." Still grinning, he pulls Spock aside as everyone files in.  
"Captain, I am so happy to see you!" Chekov smiles and then blushes. "Oh! I am sorry, you are not Captain anymore. May I call you Jim, sir?"  
"Of course you can, Pavel." Jim smiles, patting him on the shoulder. "Mr. Sulu! Glad you made it out."  
"Hikaru." Sulu smiles.  
Jim smiles back. "Hikaru. Thank you for joining us."  
Scotty is already pouring drinks, laughing with Nyota and Pavel, who has just joined them at the table. "Jimmy boy! Come have a drink! Maybe we can get yer lad Spock over there ta have one, too, eh?"  
"I will gladly join you for a drink, Scotty. Spock, I'm afraid, will likely not be drinking tonight," Jim chuckles, smiling at Spock. "Vulcans, after all, prefer not to drink, if I recall correctly?"  
Spock hums quietly, crossing from the doorway to stand by Jim. "You forget, Jim, that I am only half Vulcan," he says calmly, picking up a glass. "I will, in fact, be participating in the social drinking." He raises the glass to his lips to disguise his smirking.  
Jim stares at him in wonder for a long moment, grinning wildly. "Why, Spock," he starts, "you never stop surprising me, do you?"  
"No, I don't believe that I do." Spock says smugly, setting his glass on the kitchen counter.  
Scotty clears his throat loudly. "Cheers, lads! Oh, and lass," he adds politely, nodding to Nyota.  
"Jim, how do you work this thing?!" Bones shouts from the living room, messing with the dials on the record player. Jim simply walks over and plugs it in, then places a record on the machine. "Ah..." Bones coughs, "thanks." Music soon fills the house, creating a lively and relaxing atmosphere.  
Jim leans against the wall, quietly observing his friends. He watches with fondness as Spock leans against the counter while listening to Scotty tell an exaggerated story, a small smile playing across his otherwise indifferent features. Spock laughs quietly, looking to Jim as he does so. They share a short, intimate moment before both turn to look away, slightly flushed.  
"Go have fun," Bones elbows Jim lightly. "Maybe have a nice talk with him."  
Jim raises an eyebrow, smiling at Bones. "Bones, I think I will do that." He nods, walking over to join Spock at the counter. "Hi," Jim meets Spock's gaze.  
"Hello," Spock says evenly, offering him a glass.  
"Thanks," Jim accepts, "having fun?"  
Spock smiles, pouring himself another drink. "I do believe that this is what you would refer to as 'fun'. I am enjoying Mr. Scott's enthusiasm."  
Jim laughs, downing his drink. "Good. I'm glad you're feeling relaxed." He watches Spock observe him and then down his own drink.  
"Is this an effective way to consume alcohol?" Spock smiles, tilting his head ever so slightly.  
"Well," Jim starts to smile as well, "not particularly. It will definitely catch up to us, though."  
"I see. Then I suppose it would be wise to remain together, so as not to make brash decisions."  
"Yes, Spock, I suppose we should."  
"Then it is settled." Spock places his arm on the counter casually, turning his attention back to the others, who are now holding an arm wrestling match. An amused expression crosses his face as he watches Hikaru struggle against Scotty.  
Jim stares at him, watching the small changes in his expression. Without even realizing what he's doing, he laces his fingers between Spock's, turning to watch with him.  
Spock shudders slightly at the sudden contact, glancing down to see their joined hands. "Fascinating," he muses, closing his hand around Jim's. Spock had been aware that his hands were very sensitive, but his reaction to the contact from Jim causes him to think about it in a way he never had before. Spock never lets anyone touch his hands, even if he is close to them. But with Jim, it's different. When Jim holds his hand, it feels as if time slows to a halt; as if he could stand here forever and be content in Jim's company. When Jim touches him, he feels excited and relaxed all at once. He knows that this is where he belongs: by Jim's side, hand-in-hand.  
*****  
By eleven o'clock, Scotty is blacked out in the living room and most of the others are too drunk to walk, with the exception of Bones, who has decided to put away the remainder of the alcohol. When he's finished, he starts loading everyone into his car to bring them to his house for the night. He straps them all in and goes to say his "goodnight"s to Jim and Spock. He finds them in the back, laying in the grass. Shaking his head, he asks, "you two gonna be alright?" Jim raises his arm, giving a thumbs up. "Good. I'm heading out, enjoy your night. See y'all soon." He walks back through the house, locking the front door from the inside, and drives home.  
Jim rolls over onto Spock, who promptly shoves him off, moving to pin him down. They wrestle for a few minutes before Spock straddles him, pinning his wrists above his head. Jim laughs and stops trying to get out of Spock's hold. "Alright, alright, you win!" He grins, trying to focus on Spock's face. Spock smiles fondly, releasing his hold on Jim, who immediately surges up and pins him to the ground.  
"That does not count!" Spock laughs, gazing up at him. Jim grins and rolls off of him, laying down beside him.  
"The stars are beautiful," he whispers, reaching a hand up towards the night sky. "Do you ever miss it? Being up there?"  
Spock stares up at the never-ending cosmos. For a moment, he is silent. "Not as much as I would miss being with you." He looks over at Jim, who is teary eyed and flushed.  
"Spock," he tries to keep his voice steady, "what if you can never go back to Vulcan? You wouldn't ever be able to go home..."  
"Jim." Spock cups Jim's face in his hands, "this is my home. _You_ are my home. Wherever you are, I will be there with you, even if it means I can never return to Vulcan. I would not give up my time with you for anything, _T'hy'la_." Spock lowers his voice when he speaks again. "There is a third meaning to _T'hy'la_ that I neglected to tell you... It means friend, brother, and lover. James Tiberius Kirk, I am in love with you."  
Jim stares at Spock for a long time, blinking tears out of his eyes. "You... What? But why? Why me? I don't deserve you..."  
"My love, you deserve the universe and everything in it. I only wish that I could give it to you."  
"Spock, I... I love you. I love you more than anything. You are my whole world, and I don't know what I would ever do without you." Jim leans in and kisses Spock, wrapping his arms around Spock's waist. Spock pulls him closer, leaning into the kiss. When they finally break apart, they smile, getting lost in each other's eyes once again. "We're not going to remember this, are we?"  
"I only hope that we do, _ashayam_." Spock leans his head against Jim's, closing his eyes. The moon shines down on the two of them as they lay in silence, simply enjoying the other's company.


	6. Insult to Injury

Jim begins drifting into consciousness late in the morning, just before noon. Almost immediately, a dull ache starts to settle at the base of his skull. The longer he tries to ignore it, the more painful it seems to be. He guesses he's been fully awake for around ten minutes, and his post-alcohol headache is mind numbing. He keeps his eyes closed, trying to go back to sleep in hopes his hangover will be gone when he wakes again. The room suddenly feels very cold, and he attempts to burrow himself underneath the covers. Once he wriggles himself enough to get under them, Jim becomes aware of something very warm nearby. He instinctively moves towards the source of the heat, quickly finding himself pressed up against another person. Jim opens his eyes to see that Spock is laying in bed with him. "Shit..." Jim groans, letting his eyes slip shut again. He rolls over to face away from Spock, but soon finds that he is shivering from the cold. Silently cursing himself, he rolls back over and tucks himself in against Spock, burying his face in Spock's neck.  
"Good morning," Spock mumbles, clearly having been woken by Jim. He stretches, arms falling into place around Jim's middle, pulling Jim closer against him. "When did you come in?" Spock asks, turning to rest his cheek against Jim's head.  
Jim tries to concentrate, struggling to think of when and how he got here, and where _here_ is. He glances behind Spock and instantly knows that this is Spock's room, not his own, when he sees a lamp in the corner rather than a potted plant. "I don't know," he says honestly, "I don't remember what happened last night. The last thing I remember is Bones refilling my glass and you playing cards with Scotty..." Jim trails off, thoughts swimming. _Did anything happen between us?_  
"I apologize, but I do not remember much either." Spock still has his eyes closed, hypersensitive to light.  
"Right... Well, we must have blacked out." Jim presses his face against Spock's shoulder, trying not to think about what may have happened. He feels embarrassed knowing that he secretly hopes that something did happen, that his feelings are reciprocated and Spock needs him, too. Jim pauses, taken aback, and repeats his last thought in his head. _I need him._ He had never admitted this before: that he truly needs Spock in his life, that without Spock, he would be lost. He fights the urge to tell him this, and instead lays in silence, gently tracing patterns onto Spock's back.  
Spock hums quietly, enjoying the sparks that light up his skin with every movement of Jim's hands. " _Ashaya,_ " he murmurs, " _I mazhiv-kur-tor t'nash-veh ha'kiv tor du._ "  
"Spock," Jim looks up at him. "I can't understand Vulcan. What did you say?"  
Spock smiles, just barely. "Nothing to be concerned about, _T'hy'la_."  
"Spock. I get the feeling you've been hiding something from me." He moves into a sitting position, Spock following suit. "What does _T'hy'la_ really mean, Spock?" Jim asks tentatively, moving his hand to cover Spock's.  
Spock hesitates, studying Jim's facial expression. "Jim," he turns Jim's hand over in his own, "are you aware of how close to myself I have allowed for you to become?" Jim moves his head to indicate that he doesn't. Spock continues, "I have allowed myself to truly feel when in your presence. You have managed to tear down the walls I built around myself for years, Jim, walls I myself was not even aware of. You make me feel as if there is no other place in this universe that I belong, other than by your side. You are much more to me than a friend, Jim Kirk. You are my _T'hy'la_. For lack of a better word in your language, you are my soulmate."  
Jim is caught off guard. "Spock..." He stares into Spock's face, leaning closer. "I think- Well, I mean-" Jim takes a deep breath to compose himself. "I feel the same for you. Like we're meant to be together, always. Spock, I... I'm in love with you. And I have been for a long time. I never said anything before because I was afraid you would think it was illogical..." He trails off, smiling to himself. _What a fool I am._  
Spock shakes his head, feeling a wave of relief crash over him. "Jim, I am at a loss for words to describe how I am feeling right now."  
"Then you don't have to say anything." Jim moves forward and presses his lips to Spock's, using his elbows to support himself. Spock leans into the kiss, slipping an arm around Jim's waist and moving so that he's supporting most of Jim's weight. He takes one of Jim's hands in his own, moving them both so that their first two fingers are pressed together in a Vulcan kiss. Jim feels warmth and love spread through his body, causing him to smile into the kiss. When they finally break for air, Jim laughs, fighting off tears. "I can't believe it took us this long to do this."  
Spock smiles one of his rare, genuine smiles, kissing his _T'hy'la_ on the cheek. "We are both incredibly stubborn, if not somewhat oblivious."  
"So, does this make us officially a couple? A dynamic duo? A pair of -"  
"Yes," Spock interrupts, smiling lovingly at Jim.  
Jim grins. "Great. I've wanted this for so long," he sighs, letting himself fall against Spock. "I need more sleep..."  
"Take as long as you need," Spock moves Jim's hair away from his face, placing a kiss on his forehead. "I will be here when you wake, _ashayam_."  
*****  
When Kirk eventually wakes from his sleep, he finds himself in his own room, alone. _Did I imagine that?_ He wonders, feeling a bit melancholy.  
Jim stands and stretches briefly, walking down the hall and into the living room. He sits down in a large armchair, one he found during the first week in the house. It's big enough for two grown men, and soft enough to fall asleep in. Jim yawns, trying to rub the sleep from his eyes. He stares blearily at the wall opposite him, blinking slowly. He hears footsteps in the hallway and turns to see Spock entering the room.  
"You were not in your quarters, so I assumed you had come here." Spock joins him, standing beside the chair. "You slept well?"  
Jim smiles sleepily, shuffling to make room for Spock to sit with him. "I did. Still a bit tired." His smile turns to a grin when Spock sits, running his fingers through Jim's hair. "So I didn't dream this? You actually love me?"  
"Of course. I would not lie to you." Spock replies without hesitation.  
Jim is practically bursting with joy, beaming gaily. "I never would have thought I'd see the day," he kisses Spock's face, holding both of his hands in his own. Spock responds by kissing his lips, lacing their fingers.  
A knock sounds at the front door, drawing an agitated sound from Jim. Spock sighs and stands, leaving one last kiss on Jim's hand. He walks to the door, opening it. "This is not the most opportune time to-" he freezes. "Sybok?"  
"Spock! It's been a long time, brother," a gruff voice sounds from the doorway.  
Concerned, Jim makes his way to Spock's side, peering around the door frame. He's greeted by the sight of another Vulcan, one with long, untamed hair and a full beard. He stands about as tall as Jim, if not slightly shorter. Unlike Spock, he is stocky and broad, ears just barely poking out from his wild mane. "Spock, who is this?" Jim looks up at his Vulcan, glancing between the two.  
Spock sighs, clearly annoyed. "Sybok, why have you come here? And how did you find this place?"  
"Asked around," Sybok grins, "Am I not allowed to visit my brother?"  
"Not since you betrayed my trust and left our family behind, no. I do not believe I owe you the honor," Spock quips, raising an eyebrow.  
"Wait, what the hell? You have a brother?"  
"Half brother," Spock corrects, turning to face Jim. "We share the same father. When Sybok's mother died, he was raised as my brother once my father married my mother."  
Jim stares at him incredulously. "And you haven't told me this? How long have we known each other, and you didn't even mention this?"  
"It was not relevant to any of our conversations. I apologize if I have offended you by withholding this information, but I would rather you have not known about Sybok in the first place."  
"Spock." Sybok speaks up. "I just want to make amends. I was wrong. I have come to my senses and realized that what I did brought shame upon our family, and I truly am sorry. I have not been a good brother to you, nor to Michael. Please, Spock, I've changed. I can be who I used to be, just give me the chance to prove myself. I will not disappoint you. I swear to you."  
Spock sighs, breaking eye contact with Jim. "Sybok, you are my brother. I cannot hold my resentment towards you any longer. However," he narrows his eyes slightly, "if you attempt to bring harm to Jim, I will not hesitate to break every bone in your body."  
Sybok raises his eyebrows, nodding. "Understood." A sly smile paints his face in a gleeful manner. "Jim, huh?" Sybok turns to Jim.  
Jim stares blankly. "Spock. A word." He walks silently back into the house, pulling Spock with him. When he's sure they're alone, he turns, furious. "You have a brother?! And you didn't tell me?!"  
"I am sorry," Spock starts, "but it is hardly my fault you did not know. It was never relevant, and you never asked." He pauses. "I believe this would be an opportune time to mention that Michael- who Sybok mentioned- is my sister."  
Jim stares with a look of disbelief on his face. "You have two siblings, and never even mentioned them? How much else are you hiding from me?!"  
Spock furrows his brow, taking a step forward. "I am not hiding anything from you, Jim, I simply neglected to mention my family relations."  
"Fine, then, what else have you _neglected to mention?_ " Jim asks with a slightly mocking tone.  
"Nothing besides my siblings, and besides that, you never told me you were a survivor of Tarsus IV, Jim! You could have died before I ever met you and you didn't deem that important, but my siblings are?!"  
"Why does it matter?! The massacre on Tarsus IV happened when I was a child, your siblings are still alive, Spock!"  
"Why does it matter?" Spock repeats, seething, "You could have died! You would never have captained the _Enterprise_ , formed relationships, experienced love! We would never have met!"  
"Well, maybe it would be better if we hadn't!" Jim covers his mouth, appalled at the words that had just come out of his own mouth. "Spock..." he whispers, "I didn't mean that..."  
Spock feels as if he's had the air forced out of his lungs. The world feels like it's collapsing around him and all he can do is watch.  
"Spock," Jim moves to touch his arm.  
Spock grabs him my the wrist. "Don't." He releases him, walking down the hall and out of the door.  
Sybok jogs after him, glancing back at Jim, still standing in the living room. "I heard everything. Are you going to be alright?" Spock is silent. "Spock. Are you going to go back?"  
Spock stops, muscles tensed. He looks at the ground, attempting to process all that just happened. "What did I just do?" Spock whispers, more to himself than to Sybok, staring at his hands, which have begun to shake. He lowers himself to the ground, sitting with his head in his hands. "They were right about me, Sybok," he mumbles, "I am a failure. I have failed my _T'hy'la_. I have failed him..."  
Jim watches them leave until he can no longer see them, suddenly feeling sick. He falls to his knees, pressing his hands to his face. _I've lost him. I finally confess to him and then I drive him away. I'm a fool, an absolute fool._ Unable to fight it any longer, tears start to roll down his face, stinging his cheeks. Dropping his hands, he hangs his head, watching the tears splash onto the floor.


	7. Tidal Wave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: Severe anxiety attack. Proceed with this in mind.

James T. Kirk has never been a man who lets himself drown in his sorrows. His feelings were never of importance; he has always had to be strong, if not for his crew, then for his own sake. He never allows himself to be vulnerable, for fear of losing control. This time, however, he drowns.  
Waves of guilt and shame crash over Kirk, dragging him down under the surface. A heavy sadness settles in on his heart like an anchor, holding him hostage in an endless sea of pain. The world around him begins to blur as hot, burning tears escape his eyes like a downpour. Jim's mind races, spinning, spinning, losing control, until the only thing he can think about is the pain he must have caused his lover. _Worthless!_ The world seems to scream at him. _Failure! You are nothing!_ "Stop," Jim whispers aloud, choking back a sob, "I'm sorry..."  
Jim's lungs refuse to work properly and seem to burn with each new breath. This only causes his thoughts to race more, panic starting to grip his mind and take control of him. Jim struggles to make sense of what's happening, desperately grasping for anything he can hold onto, feeling himself slipping, spinning, falling. The panic suffocates Jim, pressing in on him as he's pulled even father down, the waves of emotion crushing him. His heart hammers against his chest, threatening to burst, and his breathing quickens to compensate for the loss of oxygen. Fear rips through him and he begins to lose all sense of reality. Jim tries to call out to someone, anyone, only to find a loud ringing reverberating in his ears instead of his voice. His sight blurs further, blackness creeping in at the edges of his vision. This only worsens his fear, causing him to hold his breath out of pure shock. His eyes and lungs burn, and he feels his head hit the floor as the world fades to black.  
*****  
The gentle whirring of a medical tricorder is what eventually wakes Jim. He makes a small sound of annoyance as he sits up. "Bones?" Jim asks, already knowing the answer.  
"Yes," comes the disgruntled reply from beside him. "You scared the hell out of me, Jim! You're lucky you didn't sustain any damage. How in the world did you end up on the floor?"  
Jim thought for a long moment, then everything started to come back to him: the argument, his voice betraying him, shouting untrue words, Spock walking away, the anger, the sadness, the panic. He feels the familiar prick of tears forming in his eyes as he takes a deep breath and recounts to Bones everything that happened.  
"Sounds like you had an anxiety attack, Jim. Those can be pretty draining. You ever felt like that before?" Bones sits on the edge of the couch, where he had moved Jim when he found him. When Jim responds by shaking his head, Bones sighs. "Alright, try to remember this if that ever happens again: name five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. It's called grounding, I learned it from an old colleague of mine. It helps."  
Jim only nods, unable to speak due to the tightness in his throat. He blinks, forcing the tears from his eyes. _How could I say that? Why would I say that? I've never once felt that way..._  
"Jim." Bones' expression softens, becoming less professional and more caring. "I know you didn't mean what you said to Spock. But you need to talk to him, or this will never get resolved."  
"I can't," Jim manages to choke out, "I can't face him after that, I'm so ashamed of myself, Bones!"  
"Alright, enough with the pity party! So what, he didn't tell you he had siblings? You didn't ask! Did you ever think there's a reason he never mentioned them? Maybe he just doesn't like talking about his family, he's got issues with that sort of thing, you know that!" Bones leans back and sighs heavily. "Look, Jim. Spock cares about you more than I've ever seen him care about anything. Hell, he loves you. Just because you upset him, doesn't mean he's going to hate you, Jim. He's not going to leave just because of some dumbass thing you said. He's devoted to you, no matter what shitty things you say or do, you're stuck with him." He glances at the clock. "It's getting late. Why don't you get some sleep and talk to him tomorrow? Call me in the morning." Bones pats Jim's knee as he stands, heading for the door. "Oh, and Jim, don't beat yourself up about this. He'll forgive you." With that, he closes the door.  
Jim stares at the spot behind his large armchair, where he had fallen unconscious several hours earlier. Slowly, he stands, making his way past the chair and into the hallway. He reaches the door to his room and stops, turning to look at the open door to the room next to his. He starts to move toward it, when the front door opens. Snapping his attention away from the dark room, his tired eyes meet a pair of dark, contemplative ones. "Spock," he manages through his surprise. Jim holds his gaze for a moment too long, then takes a few steps back toward his own room, breaking their contact. "Sorry," he mumbles quickly and ducks into the room, closing the door.  
Jim's bed is like a safe haven. It welcomes him gladly and provides him with comfort and protection from the harsh world surrounding it. However, tonight feels different. Tonight, Jim's bed is cold and far too empty. As he sinks into the mattress, Jim Kirk once again begins to drown.


	8. Emotionless

Spock stands in the spot Jim had been moments before, poised to knock on the door to Jim's bedroom. He lets his hand fall to his side, unsure of what he would say if Jim answered. He closes his eyes, letting out a long sigh. _Tomorrow_ , he thinks. _I will let him rest._  
Spock takes a few steps backward and walks into his own room. Closing the door behind himself, he feels a sudden rush of emotion slam into him, causing his knees to feel weak. Frustration, anger, sadness, and guilt have been threatening to spill over all day, and once it hits that Spock is truly alone right now, they decide to show their faces. Spock presses his back to the wall, falls into a sitting position, and pulls his knees to his chest. He feels weak, vulnerable, and powerless. He _feels_.  
The thought of feeling as strongly as Spock is feeling now would have been shameful on his home planet. On Vulcan, the display of, or even experiencing of, emotion is taboo and even considered sacrilege. Vulcan society raises their people to be strong, logical, and void of all emotion. On Vulcan, one could be banished for such a brash display of feelings that cloud judgment and prohibit logic. Here on Earth, however, Spock is forced to face the reality of his situation: he is half human, and experiences human emotion. He experiences pain, grief, anger, sadness, joy. He experiences love.  
Pressing his palms to his face, Spock attempts to gather his thoughts. It proves a harder task than it should be for him, and he starts to realize that what he feels for Jim Kirk is far beyond logic or reason. Spock's devotion to Jim makes him human.  
_Perhaps we are more alike than we realize, T'hy'la..._  
Standing, Spock steadies his breathing, and walks to the door.


	9. Re-entering Orbit

Spock once again finds himself at Jim's door, conflicted and confused. _What am I doing? Spurred on by pure impulse and emotion; I should be ashamed. What would father think?_ Spock shakes his head, dismissing his thoughts. _No. It matters not what father thinks. Emotion is not weakness._ He pauses, questioning his last thought. He repeats aloud to himself, "emotion is not weakness," and raps his fist against the door.  
Immediately, Spock feels himself tense and panic. He hadn't planned this far, and now has no idea what to do. Time seems to drag on as Spock stands outside of Jim's room, contemplating how upset Jim would be if Spock had woken him. Before he can finish this thought, however, the door opens to reveal a very disheveled and sleepy Jim Kirk.  
Seeing Jim like this makes Spock's heart skip a beat, as he struggles to find his voice. Jim yawns and looks up at Spock, blinking slowly. "Spock? Are you okay?" He starts to move forward and trips, stumbling against Spock, who instinctively pulls Kirk to his chest. Jim looks up at Spock, just beginning to process his surroundings. "Ah, sorry," he starts, moving to push himself away, but quickly realizes that he's being held in place by a hand on the small of his back.  
"Are you alright?" Spock asks softly. "Do not lie to me," he adds, "I am, after all, a telepath. I could easily find out."  
Jim starts to give his usual "I'm fine," but stops himself, instead replying with downcast eyes, "No, I'm not alright..."  
"Thank you for being honest," Spock says quietly, "please, tell me what is on your mind." Spock follows as Jim tugs his sleeves, moving to the edge of Jim's bed. He sits, shifting so that Jim can lean against his side.  
Jim takes a moment to organize his thoughts. Once he's finished, he looks up, meeting Spock's gaze. In a voice barely above a whisper, he speaks. "I'm so sorry, Spock... I didn't mean what I said, I would never want to live without having met you. I just... felt as if you didn't tell me about your family because you thought I didn't deserve to know, but I know that you would never feel that way, and I just... I overreacted. I can't take back what I said, but I'm so, so sorry..." Jim's voice wavers and his shoulders shake as his anguish overwhelms him. "I haven't reacted this way in so long. I can't even control my own emotions, how could I possibly think I'd ever make you happy? You're so goddamn _perfect._ I just want you to be happy, but if I keep pushing you away, I -" Jim pauses, pressing his palms to his face. "God, you probably hate me now... I don't blame you..." Jim can hardly speak, can hardly even think. "I'm sorry," he repeats, even as Spock pulls him into his lap, holding him close.  
"Jim, what happened earlier does not define who you are as a person. Relapsing into old habits does not make you weak. It makes you human. You are flawed, yes, but so am I." Spock gently pries Jim's hands away from his face, forcing him to meet his eyes. "I am not perfect. Nor do I want to be, or expect you to be. What you said earlier was painful to hear, yes, but I do not hold it against you. You were under duress, as was I. I could never hate you, Jim. I love you too much to be capable of that." Still holding Jim by his wrists, Spock moves one hand to link their fingers together, hands fitting perfectly against each other. Without breaking eye contact, he places a gentle kiss to the back of Jim's hand. " _Nash-veh ashaya tu._ "  
"I love you, too..."


	10. Road Trip Down Memory Lane, Pt. 1

Spock feels his stomach flip upon hearing that Jim understands what he just said. "You can understand me?" he asks tentatively.  
"Yes," Jim answers, seemingly perplexed. His confusion quickly turns to excitement as he shouts, "I can understand you! Say something in Vulcan!"  
Spock hesitates for a few seconds, then speaks. " _I aitlun du tor shok me._ "  
Jim's face flushes red. "Oh. Oh! I understood that! And, um, yes. I mean, me too. I want to kiss you, too. Ah, I'm rambling, sorry, I -" Jim interrupts himself by taking a breath and pressing his lips to Spock's, effectively silencing the both of them. When he pulls back, he wonders aloud, "Why _can_ I understand you?"  
Spock seems to contemplate this. "You have never been able to understand Vulcan before," he pauses, "but neither could my mother, until she was bonded to my father."  
Jim sits up straighter. "Bonded? As in, permanently mind melded?"  
"Yes," Spock answers. "However, I do not believe that we have been bonded."  
"Unless?" Jim questions, sensing Spock's hesitation.  
"Unless we _had_ been, and someone attempted to forcibly sever the bond, which, depending on the strength of said bond, could potentially have removed all memory associated with the bond, and therefore the relationship, from everyone involved. Including any persons related to either bond mate. I have heard such tales from my grandmother, of the binding between two Vulcans being broken, and the two consequently forgetting everything about each other. I never believed them to be true, though Vulcans do not lie." When Spock is finished speaking, he looks up at Jim, meeting his worried gaze. "Jim, can you recall the moment we met?"  
"Well, that's a rather silly question, of course I -" he stops, diverting his attention to the wall opposite himself. "I can't," Jim furrows his brow, shaking his head. "I know we met before being assigned to the _Enterprise_ , but I can't remember that meeting. Or anything from the Academy, really." Jim reconnects their shared look. "Spock, do you think... Could we have been bonded at some point during our time at the Academy?"  
Spock's stoic demeanor falters and a concerned expression crosses his features. "Jim, I am afraid that my hypothesis is correct. I can think of no other explanation for why there is such a long expanse of time that we have no recollection of."  
Following Spock's confirmation, there is a long, deafening silence. Finally, Jim speaks. "Alright. So, if we were bonded and it was severed, why is it that I can suddenly understand Vulcan?" Jim feels a wave of confusion and apprehension wash over him. "I think," he speaks slowly, as if afraid of his own voice, "I'm feeling what you're feeling."  
Spock nods. "Emotional bleed-through. I, as well, can sense your emotional state. If this is indeed what is happening, then I believe that our previous bond was not able to be entirely severed."  
"Meaning?"  
"Meaning," Spock raises both eyebrows, "we are still bonded, but the bond has been suppressed."  
Another silence follows. "So, what do we do?" Jim can feel his insides twisting at the idea that someone had tried to erase Spock from his life. His breathing quickens sightly, hands curling around Spock's wrists.  
Spock removes one of his hands from Jim's grasp, running it through his hair to calm him. "With your permission," he murmurs, "I would like to initiate a meld."  
Jim agrees without a second thought, pressing Spock's free hand to the side of his face. "If you can fix our bond, I want you to do it. I can't imagine life without you, Spock."  
Nodding, Spock shifts his hand so his fingers rest on Jim's psi points - against his temple, his cheekbone, under his ear. "Are you certain?" Spock asks softly, voice laced with concern and care.  
"Absolutely." Jim smiles fondly, closing his eyes. Seconds later, he feels a tug at the back of his mind. He gives in to the sensation, letting his walls come down completely, allowing himself to be vulnerable. Immediately, his entire being feels safe, content. He thinks of one thing, and one thing only. _Spock._  
As he gives himself over to the sensation of his lover's consciousness flooding into his own, he envisions a door. The door is a large, oak door, with an ornate handle. Jim knows exactly where it leads. Walking forward, he reaches the door and it opens without him having to even touch it. _Spock._  
Jim's senses are filled with the sounds, sights, smells, tastes, and feelings of Spock's memory. Hot air and warm spices whirl around him, engulfing him in what he knows to be fondness. He wonders briefly if Spock is seeing Iowa, but quickly drops the thought as he sees and feels Spock materialize before him. _Spock!_  
As if on cue, they both simultaneously fall into each other's arms, desperate to be together, to be whole. Jim feels himself surrounded by warmth, compassion, care, love. He knows, though he's not sure how, that these feelings are not his own. These are coming from Spock. The elation he feels upon this revelation is dizzying, and he leans further against his lover, reveling in the familiarity of this situation. Their minds and souls are connected as one.  
The memories start to come as a slow trickle, images flashing across their minds' eye; shared secrets, stolen smiles, gentle longing, soft voices in the late hours of the night. The stream breaks to a flood, moments of past seemingly being forced at them from all angles. Anger, joy, hatred, love, all experienced within a single second. Whispering, talking, singing, and shouting can be heard from every direction. Horrified screams and excited shouts mingle into one incoherent sound. Combined with the rest of the commotion, it deafens them both.  
All at once, everything stops. Time stands still. Only two things exist: James Kirk and Spock, locked together in a genuine and loving embrace. The only sound to be heard is the quiet rhythm of their hearts, beating in tandem; the only thing to be felt is their minds, moving in sync with one another. Slowly, carefully, the two release their hold on each other, eyes meeting for the first time since initiating the mind meld. To either one of them, it could have been only seconds ago, or several hours ago. Neither quite knew, and neither quite cared. In this small moment, the joining of two minds, the joining of two souls, everything is quiet. Everything is peaceful.  
When time finally starts moving again, they find themselves outside of a surprisingly familiar, dimly lit bar, being shoved into a squad car. They see themselves being interrogated, getting released, and being unable to resist running back to each other again, and again, and again. Their perspectives have joined as one. Every minute that ticks by is a minute shared between two consciousnesses, each able to see from the other's point of view. As they re-experience the night they first met, time starts to bend and shift, moments bleeding into each other and slipping farther down the timeline.  
A year has passed since that first fateful night. The doors to the Starfleet Academy dormitory buildings are intimidatingly tall. However, one thing stands out, easing a young Jim Kirk's rattled nerves: a young Vulcan, waiting for him on the front steps.


End file.
